Now Playing - You Can Be The Boss by Lana Del Rey
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"Daddy's using my toys again to throw at the TV."
Hi all,
It's the time of year where sports bars across the nation become a breeding ground for savagery and barabarism: the end of football season. I know it's been going on for a while and lots of powerfans have been loyal the whole year, but it's this time of the season that the claws come out and adult men pounce on eachother like high school girls fighting over who has the cutest homecoming getup.
I love that damn sport. Don't get me wrong. Honestly, if I had something swinging between my legs I would have undoubtedly been the star quarterback of my already highly ranked high school football team. Alas, I don't have a third arm so I stuck to truck-stopping girls on the Powder Puff field and chest bumping my other flat-breasted friends.
Regardless of my love for the sport, I don't think my eyes stop doing barrel rolls if I even attempt to watch games in a public location. Super fans turn into super douches. They may as well be the subjects on Animorphs as they switch from humans to wild beasts and start to butt heads like they're 7 again. Dudes calling each other assholes for cheering for Tim Tebow instead of Ben Roethlisberger... like, really? At least act like you have a head on your shoulders and maintain a little bit of composure. It's not only embarrassing for you, but also to everyone within a mile radius because undoubtedly everyone wet themselves just a little in fear for their own lives.
I was in a quaint, small restaurant enjoying cheap tacos on my college budget a couple weeks ago for the Rose Bowl. I live in Milwaukee and assumed tons of Madison fans would be crowding the bars and demanding as much Miller Light as possible. I was right, and that's fine. I love me some beer, too. But the second shit started to go down during the game, my life flashed before my eyes. I had no doubt in my mind that I would be dying that night, simply because I wasn't wearing a red shirt. This asshole was stomping his feet (he was wearing TOMS. Cool, but not athletic unless he rode his fixed-gear there) and cursing at the TV in front of everyone.It was like a child throwing a tantrum. Um, really? His girlfriend just sat there and twiddled her thumbs as if this was normalcy. I'm sure she knows by now that if she gets in the way of his douchebaggery then she's gonna lose an eye or a sibling. I wasn't even WITH the guy and my faced turned beat red at the sight of him morphing into a screaming toddler. I was just waiting (and secretly hoping) for his tantrum to turn ugly and a vessel to burst in his neck so the ambulance could come take him off our hands (and no, I didn't want him to DIE...). Enjoy your team, but come on, dude. Nobody expected their lives to be in danger by choosing to leave their house to spectate.
And to those of you who think that the "Bears suck" and "Aaron Rodgers is a God," well neither is true. Don't get me wrong, I'm a Packer fan. But in no way would I ever equate Rodgers to that of Zeus the Lightning God or Jesus Christ. And truthfully (although I don't really like the Bears), they don't suck. Unless sucking gets you making millions of dollars a year, then they suck a big one. And I'm willing to bet that if you were to go head-to-head with even their lowest of linebackers, your ass would smash so quickly into the astroturf that medics couldn't tell the difference between your face and Kate Hudson's flat chest. And while you instruct the players what to do through the television (cause you're obviously a better football coach than theirs), remember that your name is Bill and not Coach Awesome of All Football Land. So chill out, bro.
And the Packer game this weekend. Oh boy, what a horrible ending to a fantastic season. But they played like shit and that's all there is to it! Butter was most definitely involved during the pregame warm-up because they couldn't hold onto the ball to save their lives. So, I agree, I was saddened by the loss. But my social media go-to's showed me that some people brought sadness to a whole new level. People cursing at Illinoisans (where I'm from) about how it must suck that they come from such a shitty state for sports. Um, excuse me, first off: Illinois has nothing to do with the Packers' loss. Illinois can't really talk anyway because they Bears didn't do so hot this year. Secondly: Illinois is a great place and the word FIB is getting so overused that I'm pretty sure I don't even hear it anymore when people call me it. So, shut the hell up and wallow in your sorrows alone. Not everyone and their mom has to be brought down with your depressing ass. Especially if the only reason you're bringing them down is because of their location on the United States map. Pathetic. (Although I will admit, some Illinoisans were being pretty ignorant about the game, too, so shame on you).
WHEW! These things had to be said. Stop being bro's (even you girls out there) and just enjoy the game like it was intended. Then I can begin to feel comfortable leaving the confines of my home to watch the game and not feel the need to wear a bullet-proof vest when I enter a sports bar. That is all.
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Oh and Packers, there's always next year, babes.
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Until next time,
erika
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